Honesty: So People Will Believe What You Tell Them

A friend once shared stories with me about her time as a young commercial banker in New Orleans during the 1980s. Many of the stories were about honesty. Oil prices had fallen drastically, so her client portfolio consisted mostly of “work-out projects”—finding ways to help businesses repay loans before they defaulted. It was a stressful time.

She worked for a small community bank run by the founder. When she took over the portfolio, she reviewed the loans and discovered one that should never have been made in the first place. Her recommendation was to downgrade the loan, require additional sources of repayment, and establish a repayment timetable. She provided the chairman with a list of actions required to qualify the loan for renewal.

When he told her to renew it as it was, she stood her ground. Otherwise, she’d have to tell the committee that the loan was acceptable as it stood, which wasn’t true.

The chairman was upset and renewed the loan anyway. Several months later, a team of bank examiners questioned her about the loan. They told her the chairman said she was the one who approved it. She was outraged and produced her copy of the list of requirements she had given to him.

A few weeks later, he was fired. 

Back then, my friend was single. She told me she dated an attractive, intelligent young man who shared many of her interests, such as photography and running. The relationship looked promising.

One day, he was showing her a stack of recent photos he’d taken. At the bottom of the stack was a picture of a woman’s hands holding an engagement ring. She asked about the ring and the woman holding it. Looking at the floor, he said, “It’s my fiancé.”

My friend realized that she had been told a half-truth, which is just as insidious as a lie. “Why didn’t you tell me you were engaged?” He mumbled his excuses, and she realized he had a serious character flaw and couldn’t be trusted. The relationship was over.

Every time you open your mouth, you have an opportunity to either provide true, accurate information or misrepresent the truth in some way. You could leave out an embarrassing fact, make the truth seem better than it really is, or say things that aren’t true in hopes that the fabrication will give you a better chance of getting what you want.

But…

My wife once asked me, “Wasn’t that the best coconut cake you ever had in your life?”

Well now. Was it? Actually, I had eaten a piece of coconut cake a few months earlier, and it was pretty awesome. Was this better? Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn’t. But I knew what I should say.

“This is quite definitely the best coconut cake I’ve ever had,” I said.

You see, my wife wasn’t asking for the truth. She was asking for praise. She had worked hard to make this cake special, so I told her what she wanted to hear. And my spirit was right. I loved the cake. It was wonderful.

What is honesty?

Honesty means being truthful, sincere, frank, and candid in your words. It means being transparent and genuine. You present information, thoughts, and feelings accurately and without deception, even when the truth is embarrassing, unpopular, or prevents you from enjoying the benefit you desire. Honesty is the opposite of lying or any form of misleading communication.

Why is honesty important?

Dishonesty does damage. And you are the first to be damaged. You lose self-esteem every time you tell a lie. It’s automatic. You know you lied. You know you’re a person who tells lies. The people you lie to will be hurt if they make commitments based on the false information. If you tell a lie, you have to maintain it. You have tell follow-up lies to support your story. You have to remember these lies, too, which is terribly difficult, People eventually learn the truth.

All relationships are based on trust. Honesty is crucial to strong leadership, teamwork, or any meaningful relationship. People learn to trust you when they believe what you say is true. Without the trust of the people around you, you have nothing. When they find out you’ve deceived them, they’ll stop trusting you. They’ll believe that if you lied once, you’ll probably do it again. It could take years to earn someone’s trust, but you’ll lose it in a single moment of betrayal. If people can’t trust you to be honest, they won’t trust you to act in their best interests, which could lead them to withdraw cooperation and engagement.

What you can do to strengthen your honesty

Like any skill, honesty is a behavior pattern. Choose honesty consistently, and it will get stronger over time. Partner with someone you trust to be honest with you and coach you with encouragement so you stick with it.

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