Three Skills Every Leader and Parent Should Use

Three Skills Every Leader and Parent Should Use

In the first job where I supervised other people, I made a terrible mistake.

One day, a woman on my team told me she had done something without asking me, something she thought I’d be happy about. As I listened to her describe what she did, I let my facial expression communicate that I wasn’t pleased about the action she’d taken. I don’t think I actually scowled, but I probably came pretty close.

I watched her positive energy and enthusiasm evaporate before my eyes as she realized I didn’t approve of what she’d done. She had expected accolades for taking initiative and ended up apologizing for not checking with me first.

Back then, I wasn’t adept at using these three essential interpersonal skills, which apply to managers, entrepreneurs and parents alike:

Listen without judging.

That means not SAYING anything and not SHOWING disapproval while the person is talking. Be patient and give her time to finish.

Don’t assume you know where the story is going because you might start creating the ending in your own mind. And when you do that, it means you’ve stopped focusing on what the speaker is saying and you’re paying more attention to your own thoughts.

Ask questions to learn more.

Don’t jump to conclusions about what you think the person meant or what his motives were. Asking open-ended questions helps you find out what mental processes he was actually using when he made the decision to take a specific action.

These five questions from the Reflection exercise in our online coaching system, ProStar Coach, work like magic:

  1. What happened? (to find out the sequence of events and who did what)
  2. Why did it happen that way? (to discover motives, cause and effect, what helped or hindered)
  3. What were the consequences? (to explore problems, benefits, outcomes, costs)
  4. How would you handle a similar situation in the future? (to draw out lessons learned)
  5. What are you next steps? (to think about how to apply the learning)

Affirm the person’s actions.

When someone has made a mistake or shown an error in judgment, it’s easy to use language that comes across as criticism of him and not what he did. Separate a person’s actions from his worth as an individual by pointing out what you value about him.

In the situation with this employee, I could have sincerely praised her for taking initiative because that is a behavior I value and wanted to see in the future. Instead, my negative reaction had the opposite effect, at least in the short term. I inadvertently discouraged her from looking for opportunities where she could make additional contributions.

Today I work hard to apply these three skills. I know what a difference they make in my relationships when I use them well, and the havoc they cause when I don’t.

“Outstanding leaders go out of their way to boost the self-esteem of their personnel. If people believe in themselves, it’s amazing what they can accomplish.” – Sam Walton

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Meredith Bell is co-founder and President of Performance Support Systems (PSS), a global software company that publishes 20/20 Insight GOLD, an award-winning 360 feedback and survey system, and Strong for Performance, an online coaching system for personal and professional development. Learn more about how you can use these tools to help the leaders you work with and get the free guide, “The 5 Secrets to Getting Better at Anything.” Connect with Meredith on LinkedIn.

Why Personal Development Is a Leader’s Top Priority

Why Personal Development Is a Leader’s Top Priority

The late Jim Rohn, one of the great authorities on personal achievement, explained how he went from being an Idaho farm boy to being a business man who was offered multi-million-dollar contracts. His secret:

“Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job.”

This one piece of advice is so important that if you don’t follow it, your chances for long-term success in your career and in your life are greatly diminished.

You need to be strong as a person to be an effective leader and have the greatest positive impact.

This means, while you’re putting out fires and managing the people on your team, you have to constantly work on who you are.

You can absorb enormous amounts of information about managing others and responding to tough situations. But applying this knowledge can be really challenging. That’s because the world you live in is a constant barrage of obstacles and setbacks. It takes grit, determination and a host of other inner strengths to follow through and actually implement what you learned.

So you have to be smart, and you have to be strong—at the core of who you are.

But this isn’t easy, for two reasons:

#1 – The core strengths you need aren’t formally taught in schools.

You acquire strengths like courage, perseverance, self-discipline, effort, responsibility and integrity through life experience, but usually not in a systematic way. If you were lucky, you got valuable guidance from your parents, teachers, coaches and other adult mentors.

Mostly likely, though, you didn’t always have positive role models. Some of what you absorbed along the way was the wrong stuff—habits that don’t help you now when the going gets tough.

It would be nice if you could hit a “delete” key in your brain and erase the habits that get in your way – and simply replace them with the strengths you need.

But that’s not how it works in the real world.

#2 – Your brain is hard-wired from years of programming.

Your brain doesn’t distinguish good input from bad input. It doesn’t protect you from yourself. It doesn’t say, “Uh, Chuck, my man, I’m afraid I can’t program that for you. It’ll get you in trouble down the road.”

No, when you repeat a behavior often enough, your brain just goes ahead and ingrains it as a habit.

So you could end up with an addiction. Or act like a jerk. Or avoid conflict situations with customers, employees and loved ones.

And it’s because, over time, your brain cells made actual physical connections and formed the networks in your brain that enable your behavior. In a very real sense, your current way of doing things is hard-wired.

A super highway analogy

Think of a habit you have now that’s causing problems for you.

It’s a lot like a familiar, well-traveled road. After so many years of practice, the turns and stops are practically automatic. But at some point you realize that the route you’ve been taking has some potholes. It’s actually holding you back and slowing you down.

So you decide to make a change and try something that works better.

This is like trying to build a brand new super-highway. The construction is going to take time because you’re starting with a dirt road. It’s going to be a bumpy, rough ride at first because the new behavior feels awkward.

That means, when you try to change a habit, at first your results may get worse before they get better. Sometimes you’ll forget what to do. Or you’ll make mistakes. You can end up feeling awkward, disappointed and frustrated.

In order to get to that efficient road, you have to persist through the construction phase. You literally have to rewire your brain by creating new connections, and this takes time. It could be weeks or months, depending on the complexity of what you’re trying to change. Progress can be slow and uncomfortable. When setbacks happen, you’ll be tempted to go back to the route you know so well.

And that’s exactly what happens with many leaders.

When a new approach seems too hard, they revert to using the familiar habit. They know what they should be doing and they know the old way causes issues, but they aren’t willing to pay the price to change.

So how do you ever get from that dirt road to the superhighway?

To break out of your comfort zone, you’ve got to have a strong commitment to your development – to work on yourself until you’ve achieved the change you want to make.

You have to be willing to experience discomfort as you move from conscious competence – knowing what to do – to unconscious competence – being able to do it automatically. If you just stick with it, the brain will rewire itself and you’ll eventually stop using the old road altogether.

Following these three steps will help you get through the awkward construction phase.

STEP 1 – FOCUS

Most leaders have a lot of irons in the fire. Managing massive action on multiple fronts can bring you fantastic results.

But that approach doesn’t work when it comes to your own development. You can’t attack several personal changes simultaneously if you want them to become permanent. Your brain just doesn’t work that way.

Instead, you need to have a laser focus. Take a good hard look at yourself and identify the ONE thing that keeps tripping you up. These few questions may stimulate your thinking…

  • Do you constantly chase bright shiny objects that distract you from your top priorities?
  • Are you hesitant to approach others who could help you move forward in your career because you lack self-confidence?
  • Do you give up at the first sign of rejection or resistance?
  • Do disappointments and setbacks put you in such a funk that you lose momentum for days or weeks?
  • Do you tend to wait for things to come to you instead of taking initiative?

If you’re not sure what you need to work on most, just ask the people who know you well. They can see what you can’t. Be gracious when you hear the truth about yourself – and thank them for their honesty.

STEP 2 – TAKE ACTION

Once you identify what to work on – and find out how to do it right – it’s time to take action. You’ve got to apply what you learn – on the job and at home.

And not just once or twice. Dozens or even hundreds of times. Remember, you’re creating new physical connections in your brain. It takes a lot of repetitions and practice to build that super-highway.

STEP 3 – REFLECT

You accelerate the process when you take time to think about what you learned each time you try the new behavior.

You think I’m kidding, right? With everything going on in a busy leader’s life, who has time to stop and reflect on what’s happened?

Actually, YOU do…or else you’ll keep repeating the same mistakes and never learn from them. That’s what often happens. People go from one thing to another without taking away the lessons from each experience.

So what exactly should you think about? What does “reflection” look like?

Take a few minutes to ask yourself these 5 key questions after each experience, and you’ll be astonished at the insights you get.

1 – What happened?
2 – Why did it happen that way?
3 – What were the consequences?
4 – What will you do differently in the future?
5 – What are your next steps?

If you commit to implementing this cycle of focus-action-reflection as you work on your personal development, you will re-wire your brain. You’ll build the strengths you need to prevail in the competitive and demanding world of a leader.

“Ever since I was a child I have had this instinctive urge for expansion and growth. To me, the function and duty of a quality human being is the sincere and honest development of one’s potential.” – Bruce Lee

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Meredith Bell is co-founder and President of Performance Support Systems (PSS), a global software company that publishes 20/20 Insight GOLD, an award-winning 360 feedback and survey system, and Strong for Performance, an online coaching system for personal and professional development. Learn more about how you can use these tools to help the leaders you work with and get the free guide, "The 5 Secrets to Getting Better at Anything." Connect with Meredith on LinkedIn.

What’s at the CORE of Your Abilities?

What’s at the CORE of Your Abilities?

It’s taken a lot of effort for you to become the person you are today. As this diagram shows, you develop different kinds of ability during your life. You began some of this learning when you were young, but the learning didn’t end when you became an adult. Later, you acquired know-how that you needed for your various roles, whether as a parent, an entrepreneur, a teacher or a leader in the community. But that’s not enough.

At the core of all your abilities are two areas that count more than any others: personal strengths and people skills. These are critically important to everything you’ll ever accomplish in life. And yet they aren’t formally taught in schools. They’re most often acquired through life experience, but usually not in a systematic way.

Why Personal Strengths matter

You have to be strong to overcome the adversity you’re going to encounter when you do hard things. It doesn’t matter if you have good skills. If you’re not equipped to deal with the inevitable challenges that come your way, you won’t get the results you hope for.

Let’s say you play tennis and you want to get better. So you take lessons and practice until you get really good. But having the skill doesn’t guarantee you’ll play well when you get in a tough competitive situation.

That’s because the unexpected could happen. Your competitor may have great skills and energy…or you’ll make mistakes during play…or the match could go on longer than you thought it would.

Now what?

Skill alone isn’t enough. Under these conditions, you could become intimidated or tired. You might lose your cool. So besides skill, you’ve got to have personal strengths.

To win the match, you’ll need to maintain your composure, self-confidence, and focus. You have to keep giving your best effort and persevere, even when you start feeling tired or discouraged.

Think of it as the inner strength
to execute your abilities in tough situations.

Personal Strengths are much more than passive qualities or virtues. They’re observable behavior patterns and life habits. For example:

How do you respond when someone blows up at you? Or criticizes you in front of others?

What do you do when things don’t go your way? Or you’re stuck in traffic or a long line?

Where People Skills fit in

No matter what you pursue in life, you need the ability to deal effectively with others. This second core area has a huge impact on nearly everything you do.

To build and maintain strong relationships, you’ll need to develop skills such as listening, resolving conflict, giving feedback, receiving feedback and offering encouragement.

Building personal strengths and people skills requires more than knowledge or having a positive attitude. It’s about DOING. And not just once. You have to apply the behaviors over and over in the real world if you want them to get stronger and become your natural way of doing things.

And that’s why we created Strong for Performance. It’s an online coaching and development system focused exclusively on helping you develop these two core areas – personal strengths and people skills. It’s got a proven structure for building the skill and rewiring your brain so a specific behavior becomes comfortable and automatic.

If you’re serious about your own development, you’ll need to address all the layers of ability. Just make sure you give adequate attention to the two core abilities. They’re the foundation for building all the others.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Meredith Bell is co-founder and President of Performance Support Systems (PSS), a global software company that publishes 20/20 Insight GOLD, an award-winning 360 feedback and survey system, and Strong for Performance, an online coaching system for personal and professional development. Learn more about how you can use these tools to help the leaders you work with and get the free guide, “The 5 Secrets to Getting Better at Anything.” Connect with Meredith on LinkedIn.