Relationships Archives

Appreciation: The Benefit of Valuing People Who Aren’t Like You

By Dr. Denny Coates

My important lesson in appreciation: A friend said to me, “I got an email from a gardening blog buddy who lives only a few miles from me. He invited me to see his garden on Thursday evening. Would you like to come along?”

My first thought was heavens no. I don’t want to spend an hour walking around some guy’s garden. I don’t care how cool his blog is. I’m sure he’s done interesting things in his garden, but I have other things I’d rather do.

But my next thought was, if I never stretched out of my comfort zone, I’d read and write all the time, with an occasional movie or sports event on the side.

So I smiled and said, “Sure. Why not?”

That evening we spent the better part of an hour walking through this fellow’s garden. It was interesting to see how a different mind works. Also, it turned out he had a Ph.D. in English and is the most interesting man I’ve met since becoming a Texan 18 years ago.

“Learn from people who aren’t like you, and your mind will expand.”

This experience reinforced an important insight about relationships: that it’s wise to connect with people with whom you have key common ground but who aren’t like you in many ways. Then, refuse to be annoyed by the differences. Instead, accept them for what they are—unique, valuable ways of being. Affirm the differences, celebrate them, learn from them, and make use of them. If you open your mind and heart when you’re with people who aren’t like you, they’ll share insights and solutions you’d never consider on your own. They’ll introduce you to valuable aspects of life that would otherwise be lost to you. They’ll help make you a more complete person.

It isn’t always easy to appreciate people who are different from you. Humanity is very diverse. When you think of all the ways individuals can be different—personality, culture, education, life experience, religion, economic status, skills, knowledge, values, attitudes, interests, and relationships—it seems obvious that no two people on the planet are alike. Some can be radically different from you. When someone doesn’t think like you or act like you, it can be hard to communicate and connect. The other person might do things that surprise you or even shock you. You’ll find that you disagree about a lot of things. It could be a stretch to like such a person. You’d probably rather spend time with someone more like you.

Years ago, I consulted with a group of trainers. I had expertise teaching creative problem-solving, and they were conducting a week-long course on that topic. From time to time, I would go to their facility to help them with their program.

It was always strange because all five people in that group were unlike me in the same way. Each of them was spontaneous, playful, and outgoing. They had wonderful charisma and were a great asset for presenting training. I, on the other hand, am logical, intellectual, serious, realistic, and goal-directed. For them, each day was a kind of party, and it was a stretch for me to fit in with that group. They valued my participation because I evaluated their program, got things organized, and kept them on schedule. I also taught the sessions on decision-making, a topic they didn’t enjoy.

In short, we appreciated, valued, and used our differences. But I often thought it would be wise if they hired team members with more diversity instead of favoring people so much like themselves, with whom they connected so magically.

I think the lesson of appreciation goes something like this: That so many people aren’t like you is good news, not bad news. It’s good news because you’re not all things. You have your strengths, but you aren’t strong in all areas. You know a lot, but you certainly don’t know everything. You have your focus and your individuality, and you want to be valued for that. You want your talents to be well used. And people who aren’t like you feel the same way. They have a lot to contribute, and you can benefit from that if you do two hard things.

One, get acquainted with these people. Hire them. Learn how to team with them. Spend more time with them, even though it would be easier and less of a challenge to associate with people who are like you.

Two, appreciate the differences. And as a part of your appreciation, value them. Affirm them. Learn from them. Make the best use of their strengths. It will be a stretch, but making your life experience more diverse will enrich you and complete you.

What is appreciation?

Appreciation begins with accepting that people are different from each other, valuing these differences, and making the best use of this diversity—because everyone is bringing something unique to the party. You accept and respect that people have a right to their diverse backgrounds, perspectives, and values. Instead of reacting negatively to contrary opinions, beliefs, or behaviors of others, you discover how to relate constructively, make use of their strengths, and get the work done.

Why is appreciation important?

If you want to be successful working with people, you’ll need mutually supportive and beneficial relationships that allow you to cooperate and collaborate—regardless of how different they are from you and everyone else. You not only need to coexist peacefully, but you also need to rely on them and make the best use of what they have to offer. Otherwise, you won’t succeed. Respectful communication and a free exchange of ideas are important to your success.

“We need to give each other the space to grow, to be ourselves, to exercise our diversity….so we may both give and receive such beautiful things as ideas, openness, dignity, joy, healing, and inclusion.”

– Max De Pree, American author

What can you do to strengthen your appreciation?

Stand up for the rights of others to practice their own religion in their own way or even to have no religion at all.
Learn about different cultural practices, traditions, and customs.
Engage in respectful dialogue with people who have differing opinions in order to understand their perspectives.
Treat people equally regardless of their race, ethnicity, gender identity, or sexual orientation.
Show acceptance for lifestyles that are different from your own, including such things as relationships, clothing choices, dietary preferences, etc.
Spend more time with someone you know who is very different from you.
Identify someone who has a very different background and talk with them simply to discover more about them. You don’t have to agree with anything they say. Just listen and learn.

Appreciation is a behavior pattern. The more you practice it, the stronger it will become. Along the way, you can expect both successes and disappointments. So partner with someone to coach you with encouragement; then learn from your attempts, stick with it, and you’ll get stronger over time.

Learn more about appreciation and dozens of other character-related behavior patterns in Grow Strong Character, which is one of the key resources in the leader development system, Grow Strong Leaders.

Leader-team communication and character skills

Grow Strong Character

Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D.

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293: A Deeper Level of Appreciation

10 TIPS FOR YOUR BEST LISTENING

By Dr. Denny Coates

When interacting with people, there will be plenty of opportunities to share thoughts and experiences. It’s important, though, to recognize when you need to use listening skills instead—to understand what someone is trying to tell you. Here are some tips:

Be alert for listening moments. It’s hard to listen well when you miss the opportunity to listen. The time to listen is when someone is trying to tell you something.
Engage “the listening mindset.” Effective listening is empowered by your attitude about listening. Remember: When someone is trying to tell you something, it may be something you really need to hear.
Exercise listening with other communication skills. Listening is powerful not only because of how it affects other people, but because you can use it with other skills, such as giving feedback, receiving feedback, resolving conflict, and others.
Listen instead of indulging in conversation. Listening does involve some speaking; but there’s a huge difference between listening and conversing. Conversation is a great way to connect with people, but when you have a listening moment, resist the temptation to indulge in offering your own stories and opinions. There’s a time to enjoy conversation, and there’s a time when you should simply focus on listening to understand.
Don’t interrupt. While listening, you may feel like offering your own thoughts and experiences. But it’s a mistake to interrupt. Doing so sends the message that what you have to say is more important than what the other person has to say. Think of interrupting as a form of rudeness; people resent being interrupted. Instead, engage your best listening skills.

Avoid reacting emotionally. While this may be a natural response when you hear something that bothers you, reacting emotionally is likely to block further communication. When you feel your emotions rising, quietly take a few breaths to calm down before saying anything. Then engage your listening skills.
Refrain from offering advice or solutions. Instead, ask questions that get the other person to think. Then follow this up with listening to understand what the person has to say.

Learn Listening Skills - Grow Strong Leaders

Keep an open mind. When listening, you may hear things you don’t like or agree with. You’ll be tempted to offer your own opinions or engage in debate. It’s more profitable to hear a person out. You’ll discover what’s going on in their mind, and you might learn something.
Be patient with difficult speakers. Not everyone speaks in well-organized essays. The speaker may be upset or unsure about what they’re trying to say. Your task is to be patient and use your listening skills to get clarity about what they’re trying to express.
Learn from listening experiences. Listening is a power skill that you can never stop improving. And improvement only comes with practice. The idea is to reflect on your experiences, no matter what happens, so you can learn lessons that make you more effective.

From time to time review basic listening skills, which are described in Chapter 4 of the book Connect with Your Team.

Connect with Your Team

Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D.,
and Meredith M. Bell

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Connect with Your Team is your how-to guide for working on leader-team communication skills and is a key resource in the leader development system, Grow Strong Leaders.

174: The Cost of Not Paying Attention

180: A Leader Who Checks His Ego at the Door

293: A Deeper Level of Appreciation

Think of a person who takes up more real estate in your mind than you’d like…someone whose words or behavior you find annoying, irritating or worse.

What if you could transform your attitude towards that person into one of gratitude?

In this episode, I describe a simple yet powerful way to help you appreciate the value of every person in your world.

I kick things off by sharing a thought-provoking quote from Chapter 7, “Attitude,” in one of my all-time favorite books, The Power of Awareness by Neville Goddard. You can ponder those words for a long time when considering your own role in creating a positive relationship with someone important to you.

I also talk about a simple process you can complete before a conversation to help you develop a greater appreciation for the person you’re about the meet with.

I’m the co-founder and president of Grow Strong Leaders, a company that publishes software tools and books to help people build strong relationships at work and at home.

You’ll discover:

Two definitions of appreciate that I learned from Dan Sullivan, CEO of Strategic Coach
An exercise you can complete before you meet with someone to ensure you bring a positive attitude
The positive impact of completing the exercise
What appreciation means for the other person

Watch the episode:

Connect with Meredith

Meredith’s Resources

Website

Grow Strong Leaders

Books

Connect with Your Team: Mastering the Top 10 Communication Skills

Peer Coaching Made Simple

Listen to the GSL Podcast on Apple Podcasts

Listen to the Grow Strong Leaders Podcast on iheartradio

Connect with Your Team

Mastering the Top 10 Communication Skills

Order from Amazon

Peer Coaching Made Simple

How to Do the 6 Things That Matter Most When Helping Someone Improve a Skill

Order from Amazon

287: Helping Others Explore Their Growth Edges

Are you helping each person on your team identify areas where they could level up? Dan Kent is a master of meeting people “where they’re at” and then listening for ways they can build on their strengths to become even more effective. In this rich and immensely practical conversation, you’ll learn specific questions you can use in conversations to discover more about another person’s capabilities and aspirations.

One of Dan’s superpowers is his ability to not only SEE the strengths in others but also articulate them. In this conversation, you’ll learn more about how he does that with his clients. Meredith experienced Dan’s magic first-hand when she was a guest on his podcast, Clearing Obstacles. His introduction beautifully captured her essence and who she aspires to be in the world. You can listen to that conversation HERE.

Dan is the founder and owner of Best Self Coaching, a business coaching company that strengthens and grows businesses by developing the humans involved in them. He’s affectionately known as the “loving butt-kicker” they often need in their lives.

Dan’s method is a natural extension of his affinity for working both sides of the brain. He has degrees in both Accounting and Theatre Arts, almost thirty years in business ownership, and over a decade in Coaching and Consulting. That balanced approach combining left brain and right brain has served him and his clients well.